Last week I was working on my blog post and was completely unable to pull it together. Sometimes I’ll get writers block but am always able to work through it, but this time I was just in a funk. Not just with writing but with my emotions as well. It’s one of those funks where you’re “fine” around other people but the second you’re by yourself you’re just….off. You don’t even know what it is or how to explain it which makes it all the more frustrating. I mean you definitely have an idea as to what may be contributing to those feelings and emotions but that doesn’t mean you fully understand it.
Let’s face it, some days are just more emotionally taxing than others – especially around that time of the month. I’m almost relieved once I start my period because it makes me feel better about myself. It’s like “Yaaas! That wasn’t really me crying in the car for 20 minutes!” But some days we have no real explanation for it. You can’t figure out what the hell is wrong, therefore you can’t communicate it to anyone else. On those days I really do try and lean on my Faith and talk to God a bit more, but also on those days I’m my own worst enemy. Sometimes I’ll just let those feelings manifest till I’m completely in it. I’ll isolate myself so that I don’t even have to attempt to pull myself out of it. I just stay there in my Pity party, Party of 1.
I had a great conversation recently with one of my Pastors about self love and self hate. He explained how too much self love is vain, egotistic and selfish – which is all true. But then we started talking about self hate and how that could be selfish as well. I definitely don’t hate myself, but when I get in that mode of Pity party, Party of 1, it’s definitely a form of selfishness. I stop being productive, I stop caring, I stop everything on account of how I’M feeling. During those times, I’m refusing to look past self and choosing to let my emotions and feelings take full control.
Listen, we’re all entitled to our pity party or two. This is by no means me saying to just suck up your feelings and get over them. I strongly believe that our feelings and emotions are valid and should absolutely be acknowledged and dealt with. By ignoring them and hoping they just “go away” is only setting yourself up for further issues down the road. I think there has to be a healthy balance between feeling and dealing with them. My issue is that balance and I have not always had the best relationship…like at all. #blackorwhite
I think we work so hard on our physical strength (well not me in particular, but other people) we so often forget about mental and emotional strength. It is so crucial to our well being and to how we function daily. People who are emotionally healthy are able to deal with life’s challenges and recover from setbacks. But health – including mental and emotional health – requires knowledge, understanding and effort to maintain. I think the maintaining part is the most challenging aspect of anything. It takes time, work, and consistency – there is no easy fix. Yet that’s exactly what we all want.
I remember after I went through a break up I went to see a counselor with the idea that I wanted her to fix me, to make it right so that I didn’t have to feel this way anymore. The idea of putting time, work and effort into ones self could be daunting for some. Some of us don’t want to go that deep with ourselves, we don’t want to go there. So we use distractions as a means of coping and avoiding the real root of the issue(s). I love Solange’s song Cranes in the Sky, where she describes her attempts at avoiding painful feelings:
I tried to drink it away,
I tried to dance it away
I ran my credit card bill up
Thought a new dress would make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy
I ran in around in circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I traveled 70 states
Thought moving round make me feel better
I tried to let go my lover
Thought if I was alone then maybe I
Could recover
All of this is so relatable because at one point in time we’ve all used something or someone to distract us – thinking it would help/solve our problem(s). Sure, you may feel good for the moment, for the couple of weeks, months, even years – but trust me when I tell you those suppressed feelings and emotions will absolutely make their way back to the surface. Sometimes they come all at once, and sometimes they comes in waves. Which is what I was going through last week, a wave of feelings/emotions from things I’m still healing from.
Here’s the thing, we ALL have issues. I’m a very self aware person so I’m very conscious of things I still need to heal from and deal with. We all heal and deal differently. I cannot tell you how to do it or what will work for you. I can only share my own personal experiences and things that I know help me.
First and foremost I turn to my Faith.
It’s was grounds me, humbles me, fills me, strengthens me, loves me, comforts me, grows me, accepts me, challenges me and so much more. My trust in God and His plan for me is sometimes the only thing I’ve had to hold on to in those really low/broken moments. It’s not magic, it doesn’t make my pain or hurt just disappear, but sometimes all you need is something to hold on to and have hope in. I trust that He would never put me through something I couldn’t handle, I trust He knows what is best for me, I trust that His plans will always be better than my plans. He would not take something away from me if He didn’t have a bigger blessing waiting for me down the road. Things don’t make sense to us sometimes, it’s incomprehensible as to why we’re going through something or why it even happened in the first place. I’ve accepted that some things just aren’t for us to understand, maybe it’ll eventually make sense but we have to make peace if it doesn’t. I’ll be the first to tell you I struggle with that.
Proverbs 20:24 – The Lord directs our steps, so why try and understand everything along the way?
• We are so often confused by the events around us. Some things we will never understand until years later when we look back and see how God was working. This proverb counsels us to not worry if we don’t understand everything as it happens. Instead, we should trust that God knows what he’s doing, even if his timing or design is not clear to us.
There a couple excerpts from Joyce Meyers book Living Beyond Your Feelings, that really hit home in this area,
“I learned long ago that with God on our side, even though we will experience disappointments in life, we can always get reappointed.
Trusting that God has good plans for us, and that our steps are ordered by Him, is the key to preventing disappointment from turning into despair.
Gods desire is that you enjoy the life He has provided for you, and that is impossible to do unless you learn how to control your feelings instead of letting them control you. With Gods help, you can do it.”
As humans we can have all the knowledge in the world, but unless we choose to actually apply it it means nothing. I believe the same thing goes for Faith and His word. You can memorize every scripture, read the Bible everyday, attend church every Sunday and simply just be going through the motions. I think what’s far more important is our actual relationship with Him. Sometimes we get so focused on self love and our relationship with ourselves we forget what should actually be our first priority. I’m continually guilty of this.
Like I said earlier, I speak about this because this is what works for me, this is what I turn to. To be honest, sometimes it doesn’t work for me – because I don’t allow it to.
If you don’t feel as close with God or you feel like He’s just not there, ask yourself:
