Since I’ve started this series about my experience with love I’ve shared extremely personal things about myself, my previous partner, and the relationship we had. I’ve had several people ask me if my ex has read my posts or has said anything to me about the things that I’ve written…
A couple months ago I reached out to my ex and informed him of my blog and plans to eventually open up about him, myself and our relationship. I let him know that I would never want him to be blindsided by any of this, but that I was trying to speak my truth while also respecting his.
He responded the way I knew he would… with kind words, support and trust – trust in my judgment, and trust that I would never do or say anything malicious towards him. He commended me on my website and encouraged me to discuss anything regarding him or us. It reminded me yet again how truly grateful I am for that man.
During and after our break up I went through a huge range of emotions regarding how I felt about him. In the beginning there was a lot of anger, at times resentment, but overall just a lot of hurt and heartbreak. Regardless of what I was feeling during any given moment, there was always a deep sense of gratitude.
It wasn’t necessarily just towards him, but that I got to experience real love. The love I thought I was incapable of, the love people had told me about but I couldn’t understand, the love that felt so unreal because it was so real. I recognize that not everyone will get the chance to feel that in their lifetime, and for that reason I’m incredibly grateful for my experience.
But let’s also keep it real… it was definitely not all peace, love, and harmony at first. As I discussed in my last post, while dealing with the break up I sent my share of text messages and emails I wished I hadn’t, and said things I knew I was immediately going to have to apologize for.
My ex has always been such an easy going guy, and even after the break up handled everything so calm and cool… on the other end, I was emotionally losing my shit. I was angry and hurt and wanted some type of reaction from him, some kind of emotion. I can absolutely admit that I was looking for conflict.
I was choosing to only see my own pain and was focused on how unfair everything was for ME. I felt like I had so many unanswered questions, I felt like I had to end it when I didn’t actually want to, I felt like I didn’t get the closure I deserved, I felt – I felt – I felt… . I couldn’t see past myself, I refused to see past myself.
I think in so many different situations we convince ourselves that if we got the answers we needed or received the closure we wanted, then everything would be different. I grappled with those thoughts for months and it got me no where. Many times in life we will have to be the provider of our own closure. We can’t let “needing closure” be the reason we don’t allow ourselves to move forward and move on.
I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve still struggled with this. I remind myself that the things I don’t think I’m capable of doing myself, I can do through Christ – Because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me {Philippians 4:13}.
A couple months after our break up I sent him an email that for me, was a form of closure. I apologized for some things, made peace with others, and gave him some things to think about moving forward. Overall, my purpose was to express my gratitude, and to share with him the “a-ha moment” I had come to…
“Last night I started deep cleaning and going through all my stuff and came across some of the cards you had given me over the years. I immediately told myself to just throw them away and not read any of them, so I sat down and read all them. The first card I read talked about how blessed you were to have me, and all the obstacles in life we were dealing with and you can’t wait till the day we’re going full force etc… . So as I’m reading these I’m entering my own sarcasm, ‘Ya right! Ok! Never got to that point! Blah blah blah,’ you get it. This same sarcastic narration continued for the next couple of cards I went through. As I read the last card I found from you something happened, I read this line, ‘..but I know that if we help each other with and through our faults and really work together for this relationship that we will unlock, find, discover a new love that either of us has ever experienced.’
It hit me in that moment…we succeeded.
We DID unlock/find/discover a love that either of us had ever experienced before, we DID work through our faults and work together to build an amazing love, relationship, friendship and bond. We had a love so deep and pure for one another that it felt like magic. WE did that, we built that together.
God put each of us in each others lives at the exact time he knew we would need one another. We did not fail when our relationship ended, we had fulfilled our purpose in each others lives (at least romantically). God has someone else planned for both of us, and we will each be better people and partners to them because of what we shared and learned here.”
Now please remember that closure is a process. So although I meant every single word in that email, there were definitely days where I struggled to have as “loving and peaceful” thoughts about everything. My mind has been my biggest battlefield and the source for a lot of the headache I put myself through.
Probably the only thing that has remained consistent through this entire process is my gratitude for that man and what we shared. He is one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever been blessed with knowing, and I will forever have such immense love and respect for him. I am a better woman for having loved him. These are thoughts I know will never change.
I know some people may be thinking, “good for you, but you have no idea what my ex put me through, there’s nothing to be grateful for.”
I understand that getting to a place of gratitude can be challenging in some circumstances because the hurt is too deep. There may have been lying, cheating, manipulating, physical/mental/emotional/verbal abuse, and many other forms of hurt and pain that can scar many for life.
Whatever the situation is, there is something to be grateful for…
Maybe you found God out of it, maybe you have beautiful children from it, maybe you became a kinder more empathetic human being, a stronger individual, a more loving person, perhaps you learned what you’ll never allow in your life again – whatever it is, USE it.
“Bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open, because the world needs you open.” -Rebecca Campbell.
It took me a while to read this. But thank you for writing this. Since the day my love left this earth I’ve looked for answers to justify the dang pain. The anger from not realizing I loved the goober and it was true end of the earth breath taking love. From the second I found out I hated myself, was so hurt and so confused. I wanted answers why he had to died and myself being the sick on had to die. After eight years he was the one to die. But I needed to read this. Thank you. After two plus years I’ve had many failed attempts at “meeting” people, isolated myself and just gave up since I didn’t have that answer. Thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending you prayers on your continued journey, don’t give up<3
Your awesome Kat! Makes me feel normal. Thanks
<3
This blog hit me on so many levels. First, I never thought about the concept of being grateful for a relationship where I was burned so badly by infidelity. However, I can see where there is a way to be grateful for some things – like the fact that I got the sweetest puppy in the world out of that relationship.
Second, I am right there with you on the desire and want to read old cards and write a letter to the last one to break my heart. I threw away everything from the first one. I wanted absolutely no reminder of a love that seemed like such a lie. But this last one was so pure and sweet that I just feel the need to remind him of the things he said to me or wrote to me in cards. In fact, he told me he had spent all this time writing me a letter for Valentine’s Day, and then he forgot it…and I never saw it. My heart aches to know what he said in that letter, and I hope that he one day reads it again and remembers. Then again, I’m still very early in the grieving process. I want so badly to text him or to call or write him, or even see him because I need to move out of his house, but I am so carefully choosing to avoid him. We are both hurting because breaking up with someone you still love so deeply is never easy. It isn’t fair. It doesn’t make sense. It seems like such a mistake, and even then – after all those struggles – you wonder what the heck was the point of it all, but I’m sure it will take a lot of time before truly understanding why we had to experience it.