Staying Single

Staying Single

One of the things that tends to happen after a break up, is everyone around you become match makers all of a sudden. I understand that they believe other people will help you “move on,” help you “forget about your ex” or at least “distract” you for a little while…

Here’s the definition for the word distraction so can fully understand what it means: to draw away or divert, as the mind or attention – to disturb or trouble greatly in mind – to provide a diversion, amuse, entertain.

No thank you. I don’t want or need to use anyone else as a distraction. I’ve dabbled in this before and trust me it’s not worth the headache.

It all goes back to my belief that hurt people, hurt people.

I’m very aware that I’m still healing and am not interested in dragging anyone else into that process. When I visited my counselor after my break up, she told me that I needed to grieve. It was a different kind of grieve though, it went beyond my relationship and my ex, but covered EVERYTHING in my life. She explained to me that the hurt I was feeling went beyond this break up. It was a result of everything from my past now being brought to the surface through the heartbreak I was experiencing.

The worst thing I could of possibly done during that time is try and fill the brokenness in me with someone else. If I know I’m not whole, if I know I’m still hurting, why bring another person into my brokenness?

Broken people make broken relationships.

Do not get into something else with someone else with the expectation of THEM fixing you, that’s codependency

“Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self esteem needs… a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.”

We’ve all been in relationships where at some point issues from the past come up and become issues of the present. It’s because the issues were never truly dealt with.

We deal with many of our issues on the surface level but we don’t actually get to the root of them. They’re like weeds. We pluck them out so it looks nice but the roots are still there, and the weeds will come up again. We need to actually dig into the dirt, get our hands dirty, and take the time to remove the roots completely.

Think about the relationships you’ve been in and issues that have come up on either your end or theirs. It’s many times things from the past that you or they have never fully healed from. In my last relationship, one of the biggest reasons we didn’t want the same things in life, stemmed from issues he carried over from his previous relationship. Years had gone by, the weeds had been cleaned up and removed…but the roots were still there. In the end, he ended up doing the same thing to me that his ex did to him. Isn’t it crazy how that works? Sometimes the way others have hurt us, we then do the same to someone else because we never actually healed ourselves.

Again, hurt-people-hurt-people. It’s for that reason I’m taking the time to really work and focus on myself, so that my hurt doesn’t hurt someone else.

So many people feel the need to move on just because their ex has moved on. I get it, trust me. It can hurt when you hear about your ex out with someone new, but don’t make that the reason you get involved with someone else. I think many times we want to show that we can “do that too.” Let them do them, and you do you. We all have options, it doesn’t mean we have to act on them simply because they’re there.

Plus, ask yourself…are they options? Or distractions?

“I hear so many people say that what ‘fixes’ a broken heart is finding someone new. We’re often so quick to fill that space so that the pain and hurt we’re experiencing is more easily avoided.
We have to stop avoiding.
Avoidance is faking it. It’s pretending that we’re okay when we are not. It’s maybe useful and purposeful at times, but it’s not healing.
Heartbreak stops being heartbreak when it starts being our healing.” – @mindfulmft

Today, where I currently stand in my ‘experience with love,’ is in healing. I’m healing myself by working on myself.

I deserve to give myself the time, care and attention required to completely remove the roots in my life so that I can grow fully and wholly.

i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own

i want to be so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set it
on fire

– Rupi Kaur

I want to step into my next relationship whole, healed and with an open heart. No part of my heartbreak has scared me away from loving again. We do such a disservice to ourselves when we let our past block our blessings.

Think about the things we won’t try or won’t do because of a “bad experience” we had in our past. Many people feel the same way towards love. I fully believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. I would do it all over again…and I plan to, one day.

But for now, I just need to stay single.


  1. It’s a difficult thing to admit that one needs to first work on themselves before one can proceed with any relationship. Many occasions people just like to think that they are I love just for the fear of being alone and that could be a negative affect in the long run. Not only does one ends being hurt, however another person also gets hurt as a result.
    Thank you for once again sharing your experience.

  2. Your words of wisdom come at just the right time for me, as I search to figure out why my significant other of six years just dumped me because he couldn’t figure out why he was having doubts whenever he started thinking about proposing….instead of, ya know, talking to me about it. I guess it’s better than being engaged and still feeling those doubts and then breaking off the engagement. That would probably be worse. I look forward to reading more.

    1. I just reread this an hour later, after I went through all your other blogs. I don’t think I realized that he was codependent on me. I was his social circle, his confidant, his best friend. Everyone else he had close relationships with got married and moved away. He spent so much of his time and effort putting me first that when I didn’t do the same, he resented me for it. AND he also did the exact same thing to me that his ex did to him. You posted this on the day that he first started to end things with me. Thank you for all of this. It has been very helpful to me as I wade through the rough waters and figure out my emotions….

      1. Hi Stephanie,

        I’ve just read all of your comments and…wow. Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words and your openness as well. Your mess will absolutely be your message one day – if you allow it. There’s no other pain in the world like heartbreak, I’ve learned that for the first time in my life this past year. Take this time to feel, to heal, and to learn about YOU. Make yourself a priority in all of this so that you can be the best you for you. I believe God does everything for a reason and many times it makes no sense to us. When he removes someone from our lives I know it’s because he’s doing it for our good and has a bigger blessing in store for us – but in his timing. Take your time to heal, but don’t block the blessings he has for you but staying in the pain. This is something I’m personally having to remind myself of. Sending prayers your way.

        With Love,

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