Pain, Grief & My Anger Issues with Jesus

Pain, Grief & My Anger Issues with Jesus

Before I get into this post I would just like to thank everyone so much for the response I received from my last post, Hiding the Hurt. Every text message, comment, message and story that was sent and shared with me touched me deeper than I could ever express with words.

I know I’m obviously not the only person who has ever dealt with pain or has hidden hurt, but I know that it can be a very isolating and lonely process. Which is why I shared my story, so others knew they weren’t alone. One of the things I found solace in during my lowest moments was reading about other people’s pain. I know that sounds so morbid but it made me feel less alone – like there was someone else who understood exactly what I was feeling. We’re all hiding some kind of hurt. I encourage you to remember that as you go about your day and deal with others. We never know what battle someone is privately fighting.

Another reason I opened up about this is because it’s a part of who I am – it’s a part of my truth. I knew that even while I was going through everything, this mess was going to be a part of my message one day.

Church, God and Faith play such a huge role in my life, it’s what I automatically turn to for everything, whether it’s good or bad.

But what happens if you’re mad at God?

Part of the reason I didn’t want to open up to anyone about what was going on in my life, is because I already knew what many of them were going to say…

God has better plans for you – you just need to trust Him.
Just keep praying and talking to God.
Keep reading His word.
You don’t understand now but this will all make sense later.
Everything He does is for a reason, this will all work out for your good.
He has a bigger blessing for you…


You see, I knew all that and I actually genuinely believed it…but it didn’t make me any less hurt or pissed off at God. Trust me, I know how horrible that sounds but it’s exactly how I felt for months. I knew it was something I had to work out internally.

Despite being mad at Him I never stopped loving Him or trusting in Him. The truth is, I don’t think I knew who to be mad at, so I chose Him. I knew in the deepest part of my heart He was doing all of this for my good – it hurt like hell – but I knew it was something I had to go through. I knew all the nights I cried myself to sleep that God would’ve hugged me if he could, he would’ve assured me to keep trusting in him, and to keep my Faith in him. I really did trust in Him so much, that was the biggest thing that got me through everything – was my trust in Him and His good plans for me. {Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.}

The problem is people get stuck in the pain. We keep running back to what’s comfortable and don’t commit to actually moving forward. I used to say if you could see my heart, even months after the break up, it would have rope burns on it from holding on so tight and refusing to let go.

Right after we broke up I knew both of us were hurting, but when you’re in so much pain the only thing you can see and feel is your own. I had moments where I sent text messages and emails that I knew I shouldn’t. I had moments where I said words I immediately knew I’d regret. I didn’t care. I was in so much pain it didn’t matter who else I was hurting. Which is why I always say, hurt people hurt people.

I remember when I was telling my counselor about everything I was feeling and how “stuck in the pain” I was, she explained to me that I needed to grieve. Not just this person or the relationship, but everything I thought I was going to have with this person.

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”

Let me tell you, grief is a whole other beast. There’s good days and bad days, three steps forward seventeen steps back. You’re driving around feeling so great about life and all of a sudden you’re at a red light with tears streaming down your face wondering what-the-@#$%-just-happened?!

I had days where I felt so at peace with the whole situation, and days where I felt like I was starting from square one all over again.

There’s no overnight healing process when it comes to dealing with hurt or grief. I think that’s what we’re all looking for, a quick fix. It doesn’t exist – not if you want to heal properly. When I first started going through all of this, I promised myself that I was going to allow myself to feel everything. I wasn’t going to numb it, run away from it, put a temporary bandaid over it, or try and find healing in someone else – I was going to let myself hurt. I needed to let myself hurt.

One of the biggest disservices we can do to ourselves is compare our journey of healing with someone else’s. You feel like you should be making more progress than you are, or should be over it already, but you’re not. 

After being so hard on myself throughout this whole process, I finally came to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to make complete peace with this pain until it taught me all that it needed to.

Pain is your greatest
Opportunity for transformation.
And your transformation is
Your greatest story to the world…
We will learn that pain
Happens FOR us and not TO us.

-Vienna Pharon


  1. Another amazing story from your heart which mirrors my heart at this time. I think of the poem “Footprints” when I read your words. It was in our darkest and most difficult times in our lives when Jesus carried us. To give him our pain and hurt to renew our faith in Him. Again thank you for bro g so open and so honest. I, too, feel consolation knowing I am not alone in my pain. God bless Katherine.

  2. Once again, I am amaze on how brave you are to share what you have gone through. I myself have read others people struggles when it comes to the issue of love and being hurt. When I first started listen to you on the radio show for some reason it made me want to follow you on Instagram. To my surprise you have these posts and they are helping me to open up little by little. Many at times I also have felt as if I was the only one that felt this way. Somehow someway by reading your post I have had the courage to reply back, which I never thought I would have done in the past. My next step is to have the courage to seek the counseling that you suggested. Thank you once again for giving me the courage to be able to post this comment.

    1. Thank you SO much Ray, I appreciate your kind words. It can definitely be an intimidating thing to reach out and get help but from my personal experience it’s so worth it. Here’s the website to my church, if that’s something that would ever interest you. We have an amazing pastor that meets with people all the time just to talk. They also post the weekly sermons, so you can listen to them from the comfort of your own home if that works best for you. Best wishes!

  3. The person who just broke up with me used to tell me that I saved him. I saved him from his despair and heartache of the last long term relationship he had been in. Going back to your saying “hurt people hurt people,” I am beginning to wonder if his saying that was a solid indication of not only the fact that he never healed from that relationship (I think the commitment issue he apparently has is a big indicator of that), but I probably was never dating the whole person that he used to be. It definitely helps to grieve with a counselor who can help us to process everything we are feeling because that healing is so essential. I guess the real question is do we ever heal completely? It’s that whole anecdote of the crumpled piece of paper, I guess. Once wounded, don’t we always carry those scars with us?

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