The Issue With NO

The issue really isn’t that there’s an issue saying no, there’s often times a fear with saying no. I am very aware that this is not just a women’s issue, I think any gender, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation can be victim to this same fear. However, statistically speaking it is much more common for a woman to fear/face backlash from a male after rejecting his advances. Because I am a woman and most of my friends and experiences are with women that will be what I personally share about in this post.

I was explaining to a male friend what I was writing about and he explained to me that he as well has had issues with being able to say NO at times. Again, I explained to him that it isn’t necessarily an issue with saying no, for some women, depending on the person and the setting it’s a Fear of saying NO for their own safety.

I shared a story from a couple months ago that happened to my brother’s girlfriend (at the time) when we were out at a club in LA. She’s a very sweet, innocent, soft-spoken, smiles at everyone type of girl – because of this I’ve always been extra protective of her, people like to try and take advantage more of people like that. I could see this man approaching her and talking to her and I could see her glancing over at me – I told myself to stand down, let her handle this herself. I knew how overly protective I had been of her since she was a teenager, it’s important she knows how to use her own voice, which is why I stood back when I would normally interfere and interject myself.

A couple minutes later she asked me to go to the bathroom with her – she was crying. We got in the bathroom and she let me know that this man had burned her with his cigarette after she rejected his advances and told him she had a boyfriend. Her shoulder was starting to burn and she couldn’t believe that someone would do this to her. I immediately felt anger, and then I felt guilt. I kept thinking that I should’ve stepped in, I should’ve gotten involved, I could’ve prevented this – then all I could think is where-the-hell-is-this-dude ?!?! I always say, if you come after someone I love don’t worry about them, you’re no longer dealing with them, you’re dealing with me now.

Him and I had our exchange but it couldn’t change what had already happened. My big thing was getting to him and preventing him from doing that to anyone else that night.

My mother taught me since I was younger that you always wait till your girlfriend has gotten inside safely, or you always wait and see that she’s gotten in and started her car before you take off, always try and use the buddy system when out together and someone needs to use the restroom – she would say, women need to look out for other women.

I’m not saying we can’t be independent women, but we can be independent women that look out for each other.

As I stated in my post on Monday, this story is like so many other stories written inside all of us. If I sat here and really thought about all the unwanted advances I’ve received and the times I feared saying NO for my own safety, I could probably write a book. As I’ve gotten older I’ve felt more proud and vocal about the powerful woman that I am – however, there have still been situations that have left me feeling fearful and powerless.

About two years ago I was on my way home from work and stopped to get gas, I didn’t notice the truck full of men filling up on the other side of me. It was night time and I was alone, with a truck full of men now staring at me like starving animals that hadn’t eaten in weeks. They started to approach me and ask for my number and hit me with the “what’s up baby, where you headed? Hey! I’m talking to you.” They each jeered each other on, somehow this was all very entertaining for them. I felt sickened and thought of a million choice words I wanted to berate them with. Yet out of fear for my safety I said nothing. I was alone – at a gas station – at night – with not even a clerk inside working. I didn’t even finish filling up, I took off as quick as I could. I remember feeling so full of rage and anger as I drove off that I burst into tears. I was so infuriated by the power and dominance these men were able to have over me in that moment, over the fear they were able to make me feel, and how absolutely powerless I felt. I cried because I knew I was not the first woman to feel that way nor would I be the last.

Sometimes it isn’t even fear, but shock and disbelief that paralyzes us from reacting or responding. Very recently, I had an incident while I was out and about on a Saturday night – a man I’ve known for a couple of months, that had previously tried his handful of failed attempted advances with me, happened to be at the same bar I was at. Throughout the night I could feel him looking my way but I made nothing of it. Towards the end of the night, he made his way over to the group I was with and starting angrily yelling at me, “YOU’RE A WOMAN! YOU BELONG IN THE KITCHEN! GO IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!” It was so random! I looked at him in shock and smiled because I thought this HAS to be a joke. I looked at the woman he was with and told her, do you hear this? I hope you’re hearing what this man is saying and how he obviously feels about women. I looked at the people in the group around me who looked on in shock, but said nothing – they all had an I don’t want to get involved with this face. I didn’t even know how I had gotten involved in it, but it was very clear that I was alone in it.

I was aware that this man had done some sort of service for our county so all I responded with was, Thank you for your service, thank you for your service, as I put my hand up as a way to try and just dismiss him. I think that pissed him off even more, so he started shouting at me again, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?!? GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, MAKE-ME-A-SANDWICH !! YOU’RE A WOMAN ! GO TO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH !!” To which I again smiled and responded, Thank you for your service. I wanted him to feel as foolish as he was acting.

I knew that alcohol was absolutely a factor in this incident, but I also felt I was being baited in hopes I would respond and engage with him – I refused to. I would never respond to someone speaking so ignorantly, it doesn’t deserve a response. That man has since apologized to me and blamed alcohol for the whole thing. I told him Jesus forgives so I’ll forgive – but I will absolutely never forget the experience of a man yelling at me in a crowded bar to Make Him a Sandwich. Someone that was there that night and knows this individual and his attempted advances with me in the past, had a theory that this guy was fed up with being rejected/ignored by me, therefore he exploded with drunken rage towards me that night. I think that’s very much a possibility, but again, it’s just a theory, and it still would NEVER make what happened okay – nothing would.

I don’t think you have to really know me to know how vocal I am about women and women’s rights. I definitely feel because I’ve put myself and my opinion out there it’s opened me up to more incidents like the one above. I definitely have been baited on several occasions with people making or saying ignorant comments in hopes that I’ll react. I feel like I’m disrespecting myself if I even entertain such ignorance, so no, I don’t respond.

Let’s get something clear – this post talks about certain experiences with certain men, this absolutely is not about ALL men, not by any means.
This also is not some sort of pity party post. I think we grow and learn by sharing our experiences, I know I am absolutely not the only one with these types of stories – like I said, they’re written inside all of us.

As a woman, I have unfortunately known the feeling of having to walk past a group of men and brace myself for “the stare down,” it’s the same look those men at the gas station gave me – as if they’re starving animals and I’m the first food they’ve seen in weeks. It’s the stare that goes all the way up – all the way down – as they undress me with their eyes and practically salivate over my mere presence. This is not me bragging about being so spectacular to look at that I make all the boys drool, no, this is something much much different, this is a group of men exerting the power they have in that moment and using it to their full advantage. The same goes for when they whistle and make their inappropriate, unwarranted, and absolutely unnecessary comments about me, my body, or what I’m wearing.

And if you’re thinking: Well what are you wearing? Please go sit down and educate yourself on rape culture.

Just the other day I was walking my dog and a male friend of mine drove by and waved to say hi – I didn’t see him. He jokingly gave me a hard time about it, saying I was “too cool” to say hi. I realized that I’ve trained myself to not make any eye contact with cars driving by because of the stares (you know the ones I’m talking about – the look you up and down, drive-by super slow, no longer watching the road in front of them types of stares) I’ve gotten as I simply walk my dog or walk down the street in my workout clothes. I do the same when I’m at a red light – I never look at the car next to me because of the multiple incidents I’ve had with a man or group of men rolling down their windows trying to get my attention. Again, this is not an “I’m so great, look at all the attention I can get” post – I have a vagina, that’s why I have their attention, it’s not because I’ve done anything special.

Another thing I’ve never been able to comprehend is the level of entitlement one must feel to come up and grab or grind on me without my consent or permission. I should be able to go out dancing with girlfriends without constantly watching my back or waiting to feel something or someone behind me. I remember when I was younger and first started going out, my older friend taught me how to dig my high heels in someone’s foot when they came onto me on the dance floor because they often times didn’t walk away or back off after saying NO.

I’ve also had the privilege of being a cocktail server… the stories I have would disgust you, they disgust me. The things I’ve been told, the things I’ve witnessed, and the things that myself and other female co-workers have had to deal with would make you understand WHY I believe so strongly in looking out for women, standing up for women, and using my voice as much as I can when it comes to women.

I think it’s easy to think, well don’t work at a job that puts you in that type of environment. If that’s your first thought then you’re part of the problem. After I left there was another woman that day that took my position, what about her? Or the girl after her? You see my concern isn’t only for myself but for any and all women in those situations and positions. Our focus should be HOW we can create a better environment for them, not WHY they work in it.

I think HOW is such an important place to start.

I feel Aura Antares’ hit such key points on this topic when she commented on my #MondayMoment post:

I think what hurts me even more is a number of times I’ve heard men say they’re shocked that these things still happen, or reject that they do. We need to teach girls from a young age to defend their space and we need to stop teaching boys that they are entitled to that space. It’s not healthy for either.

My message here is absolutely not, “hate and fear all men.” Again, these were just some of my experiences with certain men, this does not at all represent ALL men.

The message was also not, “pity and protect us women because we’re so fearful and have it so hard.” Please don’t get it twisted.

This was about AWARENESS.

I think we read and see so many troubling stories involving women in the media but we always picture these people and these incidents so far away from us. They’re not. They’re down your street, in your workplace, at the coffee shop, at the gas station, at the grocery store, at your local bar, at your favorite restaurant and everywhere else.

Look Out for one another. Speak Out for one another. Stand Up for one another.

Men, your support and voice are just as important and valued in this matter – this is not just about women looking out for women.

This is not just a women’s issue, it’s a human issue.

**If you’re looking to expand your understanding and education in this area, I encourage you to check out The Representation Project.**