This has probably been the most asked question I’ve received since I made the announcement that I’m moving.
I feel like every time I answer this question I sound very vague and unsure, which has led many to think I’m hiding something, or have led them to create their own assumptions.
The truth in a nutshell? I’m packing up my things and leaving with a blank canvas to allow God to draw/paint/create whatever he wants on it.
Back in November, I took a solo trip for my 30th Birthday to Portland and returned home with much more than just a couple nature pics and uber receipts. I left knowing I would be back, not with carry-on luggage, but with my belongings.
I tend to keep these types of decisions to myself so that I can fully sit with it, unpack it, pray on it, and process it without any outside influence. I sat with it less than 24 hours before calling and telling someone, which is very unlike me. Within 48 hours I had told multiple people, which is totally out of character for me. The truth is, I didn’t need to “sit” with it for long before feeling complete peace about my decision.
Slowly I let friends and loved ones know of my plans and eventually made it “public” when I announced it on-air during the morning show.
There have since been a lot of questions, the “who-what-when-where-why?”
I decided I wanted to share a couple of my journal entries from my time spent in Portland. I definitely never wrote them thinking I would share them publicly…I mean, it’s my journal…but I feel it’s appropriate for this particular post.
Many times we feel like everyone else has it all figured out and we’re the only ones questioning our lives, purpose, or identity. You’re far from alone in those thoughts:
November 11th – 13th, 2018
We become products of our environment – do I like the product I’ve become?
Our environment has so much influence over who we are and what we THINK we want, am I that person? Do I really want those things???
How much influence does social media have? I think just as much as our environment. I’ve really tried to stay off it while I’m on my trip, I don’t want to start thinking about what others are doing. All it does is take away from me being present. How can I focus on my thoughts and surroundings when I’m scrolling through someone else’s?
I think I’ve always felt like I need to present a certain version of myself to people, sometimes I feel trapped in it, like I’m obligated to perform to their ideas and perceptions of me.
What if I want to create a whole new life? Why can’t I? What stops us? Fear?
Trying to think, if I move here, not just, “does it make me happy?” But, how can I serve God? How can he use me here? How can I change the world from here?
What if working towards my goal looks totally different than the “typical” route. What if it means taking off for a year and waitressing somewhere? I miss that organic type of connection with people.
I think I always felt so weird by the simple things that make me most happy, or when my happy looks so different from someone else’s.
Happiness looks different for everyone. Not everyone needs to understand our visions and decisions. That’s why they’re ours and not theirs.
I’m not moving because I’m “lost” and trying to “find myself.” I very much know who I am, and because I know who I am I know I need to make this move.
I may not know what I always want or what I’m doing, but I am always sure of who I am.
This move is so that I can step even deeper into who that is.
This move is stepping deeper into my identity with Christ, my purpose through Christ, and my God-given potential.
We need to be able to be honest with ourselves. We know when we’re not fully living in our purpose or potential. Maybe we’re not fully sure of what that even is, you’re definitely not alone in that.
We can spend a lifetime stuck in confusion and complacency, or we can take action by giving it to God and allowing him to do the work that only He can do.
While in Portland I started reading “Uninvited” by Lysa TerKeurst, it was like God put this book in my suitcase himself.
“I needed a completely new way of defining my identity. I needed truth to inform what I believed about myself. Otherwise, what I believed about myself would become a fragile, flimsy, faulty foundation.
I couldn’t keep my old broken beliefs, nail a little Jesus truth to the side, and expect stability.
Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.
Do I trust God to be God? This will not just stabilize our identities, but will fully anchor us.
I don’t have to know all the why’s and what-ifs. All I have to do is trust.
‘God I want your truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, you are good at being God.”
I have such immense gratitude for where I’ve been, where I’m currently at, and for all that God is about to do.
My move is not a “Goodbye,” it’s “God Bless, See Ya Soon!”