I’ve been in multiple relationships throughout the years and have experienced different types of happiness…but also different types of hurt.
I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been cheated on.
I’ve been deeply heartbroken.
Sometimes I’ve left, sometimes I’ve stayed.
Nothing in life is black or white, especially relationships. Everyone we love will hurt us at some point in our lives. Regardless if it’s intentional or not, hurt is hurt.
Sometimes the hurt is so bad we immediately know we have to walk away and never look back. From my personal experiences I’ve learned that it’s rarely this black or white, no matter how deep the hurt or the love is.
I had always lived in a very black or white world, the color gray never existed…until one day it did. I found myself not asking do I stay or do I go, because it’s not that simple. I found myself asking,
What kind of woman will I be if I stay?
Not what others will think of me. Not what others will say about me.
What kind of woman will I actually be if I stay?
Whether you’re a man or woman each of us at some point in our lives will have to ask ourselves this question.
This question forces you to think about yourself and WHO you are – WHO you want to be – and WHO you don’t want to be.
Sometimes when a deep hurt occurs in a relationship, all we can do is focus on the situation and the damage that’s been done. Because we’re overwhelmed by the situation we turn to those around us for help, guidance and answers to our questions.
What would you do?
Do you think I should leave them?
Do you think they’ll do it again?
Is it crazy that I still love them?
I recently had a woman ask me these exact questions and I wouldn’t give her my opinion on any of them. I knew she had already asked those closest to her and now wanted me to weigh in on the situation.
Here’s the problem with that, the more people we ask, the more people we involve – the more confused we become.
Everyone will have a different perspective, opinion and piece of advice waiting for you. However, not everyone is in your relationship – only you are. Only you at the end of the day can answer those questions, and only you at the end of the day will have to live with your decision.
Don’t be concerned with what others will think of you if you stay – don’t worry about what will happen if you leave. Think about what kind of woman you will be?
I’ve found that by focusing on this particular question, other significant questions will emerge…
Will I think less of myself?
Is what we have worth fighting for?
Do I want to fight for it?
Am I staying out of guilt?
Am I leaving out of pride?
Am I making this decision out of emotion?
Could I ever trust them again?
Will I resent them if I stay?
Will I throw this in their face?
Can I look at them for who they are and not what they’ve done?
Do I love them more than I hate what they did?
The answers to these questions are essential in determining on whether or not a relationship can move forward healthily. That’s the key word in this, we can all choose to stay and make it work, but will it be healthy for both for you?
As I said in the beginning of this post, sometimes I’ve left and sometimes I’ve stayed, but every time I’ve asked myself:
What kind of woman will I be if I stay?
It has nothing to do with can I love them…it has everything to do with can I love me?
This is a question that no one else can answer for me…or you.
(This post is the first in a series focused on relationships and the topics, challenges and experiences that present themselves within them.)
Brilliant questions. I’ve been processing similar thoughts lately, myself. Not exactly asking myself what type of woman will I be, but more asking myself if I am in the right state to be in this relationship should he change his mind. I know deep down that the answer is no, I’m not. I need some serious healing before I can even think about the prospect of possibly rekindling anything with him, SHOULD he ask me. When people break our hearts, we need time to process our hurt and feel the pain to know what state we are in. If we keep desperately waiting for that person to come back…and then they do and we take them back immediately, that only means they have license to hurt us all over again. Been there, done that. It’s a learning curve, for sure. I also think it requires a level of maturity and experience to be wise enough to know the difference. What you are speaking of in this blog is a very mature response to the heartbreak, but it’s absolutely the correct type of response to have in order to put YOURSELF first.
I like to think that life is a continual learning and growing process, I definitely agree with everything you’re bringing up! Like I’ll always say, self love is not selfish! Aways appreciate your feedback Stephanie!
Amazing topic, I recently had to learn I mean seriously it someone to tell me about healthy boundaries and what they are. I had to learn when to say when and when does ride or die NOT apply. For me I have total perspective on this and am quick to recognize, admit, trust my instincts and have the courage to walk away from any situation that may be toxic. Most of the time these woman are bad people….. Their just bad for me. My life is amazing these days and I’ve learned to love myself and with no voids to fill through someone. Only now do I believe someone is ready to have me at my fullest expression. Physical healthy, mentally healthy, strong, secure and with all around balance in my life. I know it’s uncommon for most men to reply to stuff like this but I know now that’s what makes me unique. I thought you were amazing before I read your article but you hit a new high. Thank you Kat
Richard,
I’m so happy to hear what an amazing life you’re living these days, balance is such a key to life and happiness! I definitely appreciate your kind words and feedback!
<3 Kat